jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
Little things keep making me sad.

Like signing into Steam for the first time in ages, and the Friends pane popping up and telling me how many days it's been since my little brother last signed in. Which is pretty much how many days it's been since he died.

My partner suggested removing his account from my Friends list, so it won't be there to remind me. I can't quite bring myself to do it.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
Attempting to drive is continuing to happen, and I've now taken my second trip down a dual carriageway which definitely pushes at my comfort level in terms of speed. I've spent most of my time up to now in residential areas, where I've been happiest going between 20-25mph (the cars behind me are possibly slightly less happy about this, but I'm doing my best to ignore them as I'd rather be semi-comfortable than try and go too fast too soon and have an accident).

Yesterday I actually made it up to the limit of 70mph whilst on the dual carriageway, which is a definite improvement from my first trip, which had me in a bit of a state of panic at 60mph. It was just as well I was less anxious this time as the L plate on my bonnet decided to take that moment to explode into pieces. I guess it had gotten old and brittle over time because it really didn't like going at that speed, and ended up as countless bits of confetti clattering over the windscreen. D:

I'm getting better at 3 point turns (I've actually made it in 3 points! Much better than what felt like 97 points the first time I tried!), but my reversing around corners is still very hit and miss, sometimes good, sometimes awful. Practice, practice, practice needed.


The inquest was last week. I didn't go. Speaking with Mum afterwards, apparently it went much as expected, apart from one witness randomly deciding to embellish her story a little. Mum wasn't sure if it was deliberate, or just events mis-remembered. Either way, I think I'm glad I wasn't there.

Brmm brmm

Sep. 21st, 2015 12:27 am
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
In other, less gloomy news:

I am finally, belatedly, attempting to learn how to drive. And finding it absolutely terrifying. D: Is this normal? How does anyone manage to do this on a regular basis without being a nervous wreck? D:
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
This week has seemed more difficult than the last, and my thoughts keep coming inevitably back to Ben more frequently than normal. I'm not really sure why. It may because the Inquest date has now been set and is only a matter of weeks away.

I don't see how it matters to me, really. It's not like it will make any difference. It can't change the outcome of what has already occurred. And if I'm completely honest, I don't really know what happens during an Inquest. The basics have been explained to me. I know witnesses are called, and statements read out. I'm sure I could look up the process very easily, but I have no motivation or desire to do so. It's not something I've ever wished to know about, and I dearly hope I will not have to encounter another.

I have the option to attend the inquest. I'm scheduled to work that day, but somehow I don't think I would be refused if I requested the day off to go. I'm not sure that I will, though. I've been thinking it over for days, and I don't think it's something I want to sit through. I don't think I want to hear other people pick through the final moments leading up to my brother's death.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
Hi Dreamwidth.

It's been a very long time. And as I never really got this journal off the ground, I very much doubt that this will be read by anyone. That's okay. I'm really just writing for me.

This year has been the hardest I've ever known, and I keep on feeling like there is something else I should be doing but I don't know what that thing is. I keep feeling as if I'm doing something wrong by trying to just keep on going and keep my mind occupied with other things.

In February my little sister attempted to commit suicide. It was horrible and stressful, but at least there was someone for me to run towards, to try and help, to be there for, even if all my attempts to help seemed to me woefully inadequate. And whilst it came as a shock, I knew that she had been struggling with depression for some time. So in some way, I think, I'd almost been waiting for something to happen. It's not been the easiest of times since it happened, but she survived. She's still struggling with depression as it's not something that could magically go away even with help and support, but she survived and she's still here and I naively thought that everything would be okay given time.

In May my little brother successfully committed suicide, most likely on his birthday, though he wasn't found until the day after. He was 22. He was so sweet and kind. Polite and helpful. I never once heard anyone say anything bad about him. He was intelligent, hard-working and appeared to be at ease with life. It completely blind sided not just me, but *everyone*. It was so out of the blue, and I've not heard of a single person that didn't find it shocking and unexpected.

I regret so much not telling him how much I loved him. My family has never really been one for open displays of affection towards each other. It's always just been taken as a given, not something that has to be spoken about, and I regret this now. I regret not being more outwardly vocal.

It's my birthday next week. And my birthday will be exactly 4 months after the day I found out he was dead. I don't know how I feel about that.


jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)

October 2015

567 891011


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 01:33 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios