jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2015-10-08 07:10 pm

Yet another reminder that things will never be the same

Little things keep making me sad.

Like signing into Steam for the first time in ages, and the Friends pane popping up and telling me how many days it's been since my little brother last signed in. Which is pretty much how many days it's been since he died.

My partner suggested removing his account from my Friends list, so it won't be there to remind me. I can't quite bring myself to do it.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2015-09-28 10:49 pm

Further brmming and exploding L plates

Attempting to drive is continuing to happen, and I've now taken my second trip down a dual carriageway which definitely pushes at my comfort level in terms of speed. I've spent most of my time up to now in residential areas, where I've been happiest going between 20-25mph (the cars behind me are possibly slightly less happy about this, but I'm doing my best to ignore them as I'd rather be semi-comfortable than try and go too fast too soon and have an accident).

Yesterday I actually made it up to the limit of 70mph whilst on the dual carriageway, which is a definite improvement from my first trip, which had me in a bit of a state of panic at 60mph. It was just as well I was less anxious this time as the L plate on my bonnet decided to take that moment to explode into pieces. I guess it had gotten old and brittle over time because it really didn't like going at that speed, and ended up as countless bits of confetti clattering over the windscreen. D:

I'm getting better at 3 point turns (I've actually made it in 3 points! Much better than what felt like 97 points the first time I tried!), but my reversing around corners is still very hit and miss, sometimes good, sometimes awful. Practice, practice, practice needed.


The inquest was last week. I didn't go. Speaking with Mum afterwards, apparently it went much as expected, apart from one witness randomly deciding to embellish her story a little. Mum wasn't sure if it was deliberate, or just events mis-remembered. Either way, I think I'm glad I wasn't there.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2015-09-21 12:27 am

Brmm brmm

In other, less gloomy news:

I am finally, belatedly, attempting to learn how to drive. And finding it absolutely terrifying. D: Is this normal? How does anyone manage to do this on a regular basis without being a nervous wreck? D:
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2015-09-12 12:17 am

It's gone past midnight and I am still awake

This week has seemed more difficult than the last, and my thoughts keep coming inevitably back to Ben more frequently than normal. I'm not really sure why. It may because the Inquest date has now been set and is only a matter of weeks away.

I don't see how it matters to me, really. It's not like it will make any difference. It can't change the outcome of what has already occurred. And if I'm completely honest, I don't really know what happens during an Inquest. The basics have been explained to me. I know witnesses are called, and statements read out. I'm sure I could look up the process very easily, but I have no motivation or desire to do so. It's not something I've ever wished to know about, and I dearly hope I will not have to encounter another.

I have the option to attend the inquest. I'm scheduled to work that day, but somehow I don't think I would be refused if I requested the day off to go. I'm not sure that I will, though. I've been thinking it over for days, and I don't think it's something I want to sit through. I don't think I want to hear other people pick through the final moments leading up to my brother's death.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2015-09-08 11:36 am

I don't know what I'm doing

Hi Dreamwidth.

It's been a very long time. And as I never really got this journal off the ground, I very much doubt that this will be read by anyone. That's okay. I'm really just writing for me.

This year has been the hardest I've ever known, and I keep on feeling like there is something else I should be doing but I don't know what that thing is. I keep feeling as if I'm doing something wrong by trying to just keep on going and keep my mind occupied with other things.

In February my little sister attempted to commit suicide. It was horrible and stressful, but at least there was someone for me to run towards, to try and help, to be there for, even if all my attempts to help seemed to me woefully inadequate. And whilst it came as a shock, I knew that she had been struggling with depression for some time. So in some way, I think, I'd almost been waiting for something to happen. It's not been the easiest of times since it happened, but she survived. She's still struggling with depression as it's not something that could magically go away even with help and support, but she survived and she's still here and I naively thought that everything would be okay given time.

In May my little brother successfully committed suicide, most likely on his birthday, though he wasn't found until the day after. He was 22. He was so sweet and kind. Polite and helpful. I never once heard anyone say anything bad about him. He was intelligent, hard-working and appeared to be at ease with life. It completely blind sided not just me, but *everyone*. It was so out of the blue, and I've not heard of a single person that didn't find it shocking and unexpected.

I regret so much not telling him how much I loved him. My family has never really been one for open displays of affection towards each other. It's always just been taken as a given, not something that has to be spoken about, and I regret this now. I regret not being more outwardly vocal.

It's my birthday next week. And my birthday will be exactly 4 months after the day I found out he was dead. I don't know how I feel about that.
jheya: Um: The atomic symbol for confusion (Atomic confusion)
2010-02-04 11:38 pm
Entry tags:

disjointed bits of thought

Fandom is a strange thing.

I used to dabble in it a lot, but I was never what you might call a prolific writer, and I ended up abandoning more projects than I ever managed to complete. I rather thought such days were behind me, as quite a number of years have passed since I last created anything I felt worth showing to anyone.

Even so, for the past week or so I've been gently nudging at things once more. There is one project in particular that... I don't quite know how to put it. It's unfinished, and it's been so long since I started the original incarnation that I know it can never be anything but unfinished. I can no longer write in the style I once did. I don't view that as a bad thing, just a...thing.

I'm probably not making very much sense.

The gist of it is that I seem to be writing once more. Very slowly, just a few lines here, a half page there, and I still don't know what will come of it. Heck, if by some miracle I actually manage to get to the end of the tale this time, I'm not even sure what I'll do with it, I'm so out of the loop.

I'm finding it soothing to set pen to paper, and watch the ink flow. That's good enough for now.
jheya: Arashi from X (Arashi)
2009-12-21 01:28 pm
Entry tags:

Note to self

Dear Self,

You really need to stop forgetting your passwords for, well, everything. Even those you reset not a week before due to said memory fail. It's getting a bit silly.

jheya: Um: The atomic symbol for confusion (Atomic confusion)
2009-11-13 09:34 pm
Entry tags:



Was it really all the way back in June that I posted in this journal? Apparently so, though from my point of view it doesn't seem like 5-6 months could possibly have whizzed past so quickly.

However, at some point in the intervening time, I seem to have gone from a state of knowing-how-to-knit-but-not-doing-so to a state of knitting-all-the-bloody-time. (And in a roundabout way, it's knitting that has lead to this entry. I've currently got a project soaking in a tub of water, and in a short while I'll be draining, rinsing, and then blocking it out. In the meanwhile, I'm killing time.)

I blame the resurgence on finally realising that, hey! There are lots and lots of really nice yarns out there. Ones that I had somehow completely failed to notice the existence of before (quite how I'm not sure, but shh, that's beside the point). And not only did these really lovely yarns exist, but I could now actually afford to buy them.

Fast forward a little bit of time, and I have managed to buy an awful lot of yarn and knitting equipment, have completed a few projects, and am in the middle of about four others. Not a huge amount of things to be working on at any given time by some people's standards, but a lot for me. The Boy is rather bemused by it all, heh.

And now it's about time for me to get started on the blocking. I'm a wee bit nervous, because though I've knitted a lot in the past, this is actually the first time I've ever tried to block a piece, as I didn't realise that I was meant to (again, quite how I managed to miss this...). Ah well, fingers crossed that it'll all go fine. :)
jheya: animated gif of Dean from Supernatural rocking out (SPN: Dean - Rock On)
2009-06-05 10:50 am
Entry tags:

and this will be my new mantra

There is too much negativity floating around in my life, and whilst I cannot change how anyone else behaves, I can change how it all affects me.

I will not let it get to me.

There are other things going on that are really rather awesome, and are all coming together, complementing each other and going well. These are the things I have direct control over, and the things I should be focusing my time and energy upon. I do not need to be dragged down by others being needlessly unkind. I should just brush it off, and go about living life how I choose.

This life is my own, and I am justified in devoting my time to those I love and am loved by in return. I do not need to waste any of it on those who wish me ill.
jheya: animated gif of Dean from Supernatural rocking out (SPN: Dean - Rock On)
2009-06-01 12:25 pm
Entry tags:

a minor laundry fail, productivity and sun

Dear self,

The fact that you now have rather funny coloured socks is entirely your fault.

You even pondered the fact that it was probably going to end badly before you stuffed them into the washing machine, and yet still went ahead and did it anyway. Just because everything had been washed multiple times before does not mean that you were necessarily safe from mishaps, you foolishly foolish fool.


Oh well. Could have been worse. If there's no way of salvaging them colour-wise, I can cope with the vague kind of purple-grey that white clothes take on when washed with black stuff. They're only socks, after all. For the most part other people don't even notice them as I tend to wear trousers. :)

It's a little strange to look at the clock and realise that it's only half twelve. It feels much later because (unusually for me) I have been up and fairly active since 8am, but I'm not at work!

This means that I've had the chance to have a leisurely morning coffee, tidy up a little (still a lot more to be done, but it's a start), run a load of laundry, catch up on my LJ/DW reading, and play some Animal Crossing as well. Said laundry is currently all hung up and drying, and I have an LJ entry that I've been meaning to finish writing for a few days...but I think that that can wait a while longer. It's far too lovely a day to spend entirely indoors, and so I am off to play in the sun and possibly get some shopping done as well. :D

I was going to wear a skirt/top combo out, but actually no. Dammit, I am going to wear my bright red dress and look fabulous as I spend far too much time in black, and I don't wear it nearly as often as I should. \o/

(after 3+ years, the Boy may finally be getting somewhere with convincing me that I have a nice figure/legs... ;))
jheya: Arashi from X (Arashi)
2009-05-06 01:36 am
Entry tags:

It is now 1:30am. This may not make any sense.

The trouble with declaring that "oh, hey! I know what I'll do, I'll journal more publicly over on Dreamwidth!" is that it doesn't automatically make it easy to do.

On LJ I tend to post access-restricted entries more out of habit than any real need to limit who has access to that information. Thus, access-restriction has become normal, and posting public entries feels vaguely uncomfortable. It makes me feel far too exposed, and as a result I start over-analysing what I write.

What information is 'safe' to release to the world at large? Whilst it is unlikely that a large number of people will stumble across this journal, public entries still open up that possibility. Will people judge me for what I write? It's entirely possible that they will, and said judgement may not be favourable. However, why should the potential opinions of random internet strangers affect how I behave? Not everyone in this world is going to like me, or even find me tolerable, and so I probably should not obsess over trying to make my internet presence as inoffensive as possible to the greatest number of people.

(I have used words like 'probable' and 'possible' far too often in that last paragraph. I should probably (heh) stand by my convictions more firmly.)

I guess this all brings up the question "why am I trying to convince myself to post public entries if it makes me uneasy?".

Because. Because I have this vague notion that, some how, it'll be good for me. I find it very difficult to open up to people, and there are very few people I trust enough to confide in. I am terribly shy, and unless I know someone very well, I usually find it difficult to know what to say. I hesitate to bring up topics of conversation with casual acquaintances, as I'm not confident about my ability to correctly assess the situation and chose something interesting and appropriate. I'm awful when it comes to small talk.

And so maybe making my musings available to a potentially wider audience will help. I do not expect other people to find my musings interesting, but hopefully it'll at least help me to convince myself that I'm capable of not making a total idiot out of myself at every given opportunity.
jheya: Cloud Cat batting a toy. (*bat*)
2009-05-01 11:45 pm
Entry tags:

om nom nom open beta sushi

That was interesting.

For around 10 minutes or so, I could load subdomain pages on Dreamwidth, but main site pages using the root domain refused to load.

All working fine now though, and I think it probably was more due to weirdness from my internet connection than weirdness from DW itself.

I think I'm meant to be all "yay! Open Beta!" today, but, um... To be honest, I'm really rather exhausted, and can't quite muster the energy at the moment. But I can muster a "yay! Sushi!", for a rather nice dinner was had earlier this evening. I just wish that it had been a meal in celebration, rather than commiseration. Ah well. Can't have everything, I suppose.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2009-04-21 12:46 am
Entry tags:

stylisticly speaking

I keep feeling as if I should really start poking around in earnest, and start trying to put together a new style over here.

However, so far this has not happened because:
a) I'm horribly out of practice at messing around with the code, and
b) I'm lazy (and tired, and busy, and lacking time).

I'd contemplate bringing over my LJ style, if not for the fact that I know it's broken.

(In my defence, it worked when I first created it, years back. Only then time passed, there were updates to the website and new features introduced, and my style wanted nothin' to do with eet. :p I've been meaning to fix it for years, but never quite found the time to settle and immerse myself into huge chunks of code that make my head hurt. It's inelegantly written, I know, and needs a complete overhaul...but dammit, it's my style and I like the visual aspect of it, even if it looks like a mess behind the scenes.)

I may end up waiting until at least open beta before I start bouncing up and down on things. The launch is only 10 days away, after all, and I rather doubt that I'll find myself with enough time to play between now and then.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2009-04-18 12:36 am
Entry tags:

music and technology

Today has been a better day than yesterday, helped in part by lovely friends who are quite willing to throw music at me. As a result, I have listened to Vienna Teng's "Hope On Fire" a ridiculous number of times this evening.

I think I really need to update the contents of TinyPod. It's been a long time since I last did, and so I'm becoming somewhat bored with the selection currently on there. Plus I've gotten a fair amount of new music in the meanwhile, and it would be nice to have some of it accompany me during the commute.

The only downside to doing that is that most of my music is still stored on my desktop. The desktop which has died a death, and into which I have completely failed to install a new motherboard/CPU in the hopes of reviving it. I mean, the components are sitting perhaps 4 feet away from me, so it's not even as if I'd need to go source anything. Um, oops? I blame tiredness, and generally being far too caught up in other aspects of life. The laptop works, and so it hasn't felt as urgent as it might otherwise have.

Still, I should really get around to that at some point in the near future. There's an awful lot of things on there that I'd rather not lose. The problem is that my next day off is Sunday (family meet has been scheduled), the one after that is Tuesday (the leaving do for one of my former tutors), so maybe the one after that...by which time something else may very well have popped up.

Ho hum. Guess I'll just have to see how it goes. I'm sure I'll get around to it eventually.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
2009-04-17 01:28 am
Entry tags:

marching onwards

There are things going on in the world, but I suspect that I may be too tired to be able to present anything in a way that is rational and even remotely easy to follow.

Suffice it to say that it looks like these times, they are a-changing.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Paper Jheya)
2009-04-15 12:38 am

Starting anew

The first entry on a new service always seems (to me, at least) to be far more daunting than it really has any business being. After all, it is unlikely to be far different to the entries that follow it, and so what is the big deal?

I'm not really too sure. All I know is that having a nice big empty canvas to work with is...interesting, and something that hasn't properly happened for some time now. It also brings with it a whole bunch of questions, which I've been busy pondering, and trying to figure out the answers to.

I know that Dreamwidth comes with the ability to import entries and comments from other LJ-based sites, and I've spent a while contemplating whether or not this is something that I would wish to do. After all, the odd 2000+ entries and I-don't-know-how-many comments is not exactly an insignificant history...

The verdict I've come to is that it is perhaps too much history. At the risk of sounding somewhat cheesy: I started my LJ back in 2002, and a lot has changed since then. I've changed a lot since then, and I'm not the person I was when I started that account. I by no means want to erase the record of that journey, but equally, it's not one that I feel is necessary to bring over with me to a new site. It feels like too much unnecessary baggage when the majority of it isn't really relevant to my current state of being.

So, for now at least, my other journal is going to remain un-imported. I believe I have the option to import everything at a later date if I change my mind at some point in the future, but I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

The other main concern is: how open do I wish to be? Not in the level of detail I go into when writing so much as in whether or not I post publicly, or to a more restricted readership.

One upon a time, a very long time ago, I used to post kind of publicly. Most entries were locked, but the odd few here and there were posted for general consumption by anyone who happened to stumble across my journal. Personal circumstances changed, though, and dictated that I lock everything down. Due to an incident I do not care to go into great detail about, I felt far too exposed and at risk in a place that was meant to be one of sanctuary.

Then time went on, and life changed once more. I no longer have a pressing need to be so private in what I write, and usually do so more out of habit and a sense of comfort than anything else. Thus I think that I will start off posting at least semi-publicly, see how comfortable I feel, and then take things from there.

There. That was a nice big waffle about nothing very much. Ah well. It's as good a start as any. :)