jheya: Um: The atomic symbol for confusion (Atomic confusion)
Fandom is a strange thing.

I used to dabble in it a lot, but I was never what you might call a prolific writer, and I ended up abandoning more projects than I ever managed to complete. I rather thought such days were behind me, as quite a number of years have passed since I last created anything I felt worth showing to anyone.

Even so, for the past week or so I've been gently nudging at things once more. There is one project in particular that... I don't quite know how to put it. It's unfinished, and it's been so long since I started the original incarnation that I know it can never be anything but unfinished. I can no longer write in the style I once did. I don't view that as a bad thing, just a...thing.

I'm probably not making very much sense.

The gist of it is that I seem to be writing once more. Very slowly, just a few lines here, a half page there, and I still don't know what will come of it. Heck, if by some miracle I actually manage to get to the end of the tale this time, I'm not even sure what I'll do with it, I'm so out of the loop.

I'm finding it soothing to set pen to paper, and watch the ink flow. That's good enough for now.
jheya: animated gif of Dean from Supernatural rocking out (SPN: Dean - Rock On)
There is too much negativity floating around in my life, and whilst I cannot change how anyone else behaves, I can change how it all affects me.

I will not let it get to me.

There are other things going on that are really rather awesome, and are all coming together, complementing each other and going well. These are the things I have direct control over, and the things I should be focusing my time and energy upon. I do not need to be dragged down by others being needlessly unkind. I should just brush it off, and go about living life how I choose.

This life is my own, and I am justified in devoting my time to those I love and am loved by in return. I do not need to waste any of it on those who wish me ill.
jheya: Arashi from X (Arashi)
The trouble with declaring that "oh, hey! I know what I'll do, I'll journal more publicly over on Dreamwidth!" is that it doesn't automatically make it easy to do.

On LJ I tend to post access-restricted entries more out of habit than any real need to limit who has access to that information. Thus, access-restriction has become normal, and posting public entries feels vaguely uncomfortable. It makes me feel far too exposed, and as a result I start over-analysing what I write.

What information is 'safe' to release to the world at large? Whilst it is unlikely that a large number of people will stumble across this journal, public entries still open up that possibility. Will people judge me for what I write? It's entirely possible that they will, and said judgement may not be favourable. However, why should the potential opinions of random internet strangers affect how I behave? Not everyone in this world is going to like me, or even find me tolerable, and so I probably should not obsess over trying to make my internet presence as inoffensive as possible to the greatest number of people.

(I have used words like 'probable' and 'possible' far too often in that last paragraph. I should probably (heh) stand by my convictions more firmly.)

I guess this all brings up the question "why am I trying to convince myself to post public entries if it makes me uneasy?".

Because. Because I have this vague notion that, some how, it'll be good for me. I find it very difficult to open up to people, and there are very few people I trust enough to confide in. I am terribly shy, and unless I know someone very well, I usually find it difficult to know what to say. I hesitate to bring up topics of conversation with casual acquaintances, as I'm not confident about my ability to correctly assess the situation and chose something interesting and appropriate. I'm awful when it comes to small talk.

And so maybe making my musings available to a potentially wider audience will help. I do not expect other people to find my musings interesting, but hopefully it'll at least help me to convince myself that I'm capable of not making a total idiot out of myself at every given opportunity.
jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Paper Jheya)
The first entry on a new service always seems (to me, at least) to be far more daunting than it really has any business being. After all, it is unlikely to be far different to the entries that follow it, and so what is the big deal?

I'm not really too sure. All I know is that having a nice big empty canvas to work with is...interesting, and something that hasn't properly happened for some time now. It also brings with it a whole bunch of questions, which I've been busy pondering, and trying to figure out the answers to.

I know that Dreamwidth comes with the ability to import entries and comments from other LJ-based sites, and I've spent a while contemplating whether or not this is something that I would wish to do. After all, the odd 2000+ entries and I-don't-know-how-many comments is not exactly an insignificant history...

The verdict I've come to is that it is perhaps too much history. At the risk of sounding somewhat cheesy: I started my LJ back in 2002, and a lot has changed since then. I've changed a lot since then, and I'm not the person I was when I started that account. I by no means want to erase the record of that journey, but equally, it's not one that I feel is necessary to bring over with me to a new site. It feels like too much unnecessary baggage when the majority of it isn't really relevant to my current state of being.

So, for now at least, my other journal is going to remain un-imported. I believe I have the option to import everything at a later date if I change my mind at some point in the future, but I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

The other main concern is: how open do I wish to be? Not in the level of detail I go into when writing so much as in whether or not I post publicly, or to a more restricted readership.

One upon a time, a very long time ago, I used to post kind of publicly. Most entries were locked, but the odd few here and there were posted for general consumption by anyone who happened to stumble across my journal. Personal circumstances changed, though, and dictated that I lock everything down. Due to an incident I do not care to go into great detail about, I felt far too exposed and at risk in a place that was meant to be one of sanctuary.

Then time went on, and life changed once more. I no longer have a pressing need to be so private in what I write, and usually do so more out of habit and a sense of comfort than anything else. Thus I think that I will start off posting at least semi-publicly, see how comfortable I feel, and then take things from there.

There. That was a nice big waffle about nothing very much. Ah well. It's as good a start as any. :)

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jheya: Chibi Jheya with falling paper. (Default)
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